The Memphis Tattler - Your Fake News Headquarters

to tell you guys that his daily docket will be brought to you by the letter D."

Dismissing Democratic charges of cronyism, Bush said: "Look, after that Miers thing went in the crapper. I gave up. People started raggin’ on me about not properly vetting candidates, whatever that means. Plus I’m sick of being asked all these really hard questions. So I’m sittin’ there watching Sesame Street last night on DVD, with a bag of shelled peanuts, and it just hits me when I saw Cookie Monster doin’ his thing. I mean, who doesn’t love Cookie? It was a stroke of genius, if you ask me. Plus Condy said it was okay. Then she gave me permission to go number two." Bush has known Mr. Monster personally for more than 10 years, first as his personal tutor and most recently as White House alphabet advisor. Reportedly, their most recent initiative is to teach the president to spell “Nuclear.”

Actually teaching him to pronounce it correctly will be tackled by Memphis-based actor Morgan Freeman, who will revive his character, Mel Mounds, the disc jockey, from 70s PBS kid’s show, The Electric Company.

Bush was forced to call the news conference by Vice-President Dick Cheney, who had to threaten to withhold the president’s evening ice cream if he didn’t.

It was Bush’s first news conference since May, as he struggles to regain political strength sapped by a perfect storm of events such as high gas prices, a rising death toll in Iraq and a bungled Hurricane Katrina response. Now his job approval rating, near the lowest point of his presidency, faces another test with the nomination of the furry blue advisor.

The wide-ranging news conference ran nearly an hour, and Bush said he was considering whether he forgot to TIVO Judge Judy. When asked why he didn’t nominate her to the high court instead of Cookie Monster, he said that she wouldn’t return his calls.

On Katrina, Bush looked at something written on the inside of his wrist and said “he would work with Congress to make real cuts in non-security spending to help in rebuilding the Gulf Coast. The private sector will be the engine that drives the recovery of the Gulf Coast," he said. After that, he looked over to Karl Rove with a big smile. Rove, in turn, just closed his eyes and shook his head slowly.

Bush also said:

He has not reviewed a list of candidates to replace Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan, who retires in January. But in the interest of budgetary constraints, he is “seriously considering just going down Spencer Gifts and buying one of them Magic 8 Balls to do the same job.”

He expects “those guys in that big building on that hill over there” (Congress) will investigate whether Baltimore Orioles baseball star Rafael Palmeiro lied under oath about his alleged steroid use. "Steroids rock. I used to shoot up Laura with them when I wanted her to ‘go yard,’ if you know what I mean. But at this point, hell, I guess they ought to be banned from baseball ‘cause you just can’t get away with it anymore without getting caught," declared Bush, a former part-owner, although detractors would say ‘mascot,’ of the Texas Rangers of the American League.

His choice of Mr. Monster dominated the news conference, with Bush struggling to please his own political base without handing Dems ammo to block his confirmation.

Asked point-blank whether he was the most qualified monster in the country to serve on the high court, Bush said, "Yes. Lookie here, of all the monsters around here that I reviewed, he was, by far, the most bitchin’."

His father, George H.W. Bush, made a similar claim about Clarence Thomas and was derided for it while defending his controversial Supreme Court pick in 1991. Thomas was confirmed 52-48.

Bush said he did not ask Cookie Monster or any other candidate about their positions on chocolate chips versus chocolate chunks. "There is no litmus test" even as he gave conservatives his personal assurance that the scion of cookies does prefer chips and considers chunks to be rather renegade.

"I know his character. He’s a monster of principle and deep conviction. He shares my philosophy that judges should not legislate from the bench. And yes, he’s currently undergoing his third procedure to correct his googly eyes" he said.

While he has never served as a judge, Bush said Cookie will bring "a fresh baked approach" to the bench.

He signaled that the White House would not turn over Monster’s paperwork from the Children’s Television Workshop, predicting that Democrats would call for the documents to distract Americans from what he said is the salient point: "whether or not he will be a good judge of tasty treats.'"

While no senator has come out against the nomination, conservatives and liberals alike are questioning whether he was the most qualified candidate for the high court.

Another critic weighed in for the first time Tuesday. Paul Weyrich, a conservative leader from the Free Congress Foundation, said he was disappointed, citing that “even Oscar or The Count would have been a more informed pick” but would withhold judgment until he learns more. "The grassroots are not happy, they were tacitlly promised someone from VegeTales," he told The Associated Press.

drop a quick shout out to any cell phone courtesy of the tattler network
USA or Canada phone:
Optional Subject:
Message:(up to 140 chars)
If you agree to the terms