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European diplomat. "Of course, we wanted to build up some parts without watering down others, Ratzinger can keep his apartment but we're not paying for his HBO. Anyway, there is a lot of posturing going on at the moment."

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, 78 - now to be known as Pope Benedict XVI - was the clear favorite to fill the vacancy left by John Paul II's death.

As one of the most influential men in the Vatican, he presided over the Pope's funeral earlier this month and was said to be among the pontiff's closest friends.

So no one was more taken aback than the holy father when told of President Bush's intentions for replacing him.

Speaking through a German translator, Cardinal Paolo Frusciante, Benedict said, "Who is George Bush to replace me? He may think he can pull that shit on (UN Secretary General Kofi) Annan, but he tries to march in here with a pink slip and I'll go ( head of the Spanish Inquisition) Torquemada on his ass."

Cardinal Ratzinger has been head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith - formerly known as the Holy Office of the Inquisition - since 1981.

Bolton was given his UN position by George Bush three weeks ago after the United States Senate failed to agree on his nomination.

This has been followed by Bush citing an obscure precedent

for his authority in the Vatican restructuring. "It's called the

'Cause I Said So' law. I can do whatever I want, wherever I

want. If I want you to call me Elvis, you gonna call me Elvis.

Hey that'd be pretty cool, actually. Next question."

Bush and Bolton have proposed 750 amendments in the

Vatican re-structuring documents, and have called for

immediate talks on them. "As long as no one disagrees with

them," said chief presidential adviser Karl Rove on double

super secret background.

The 29-page Vatican document has been drawn up by a

committee under Rove, over the past year, during which time

several drafts have been circulated.

Critics complained that the US designs to The Holy See had

come about too abruptly.

But Benjamin Chang, a spokesman for the American team at the Papal Nuncio, said Mr Bolton had simply been restating long-held US opinions on Rome. "Those are not new positions; surprise positions," he said. "We've been engaged in this process, since the first meeting. It's time to downsize and coporatize the Vatican. And we start by getting rid of those fruity Vatcian Guard uniforms and bringing in the Marines. I mean, what's that all about?"

The Vatican amendments, published in the US press, seek to play down the emphasis given to so much incense, and expunge all references to big tall hats, including the target for wealthy countries to donate at least 0.7 % of national income to the development of a "cooler, hipper Roman Catholic Church, with an eye towards obtaining a coporate sponsorhip. We're in discussion with Ford at the moment," Rove stated.

The changes would also scrap Vatican City itself in favor of retrofitting it into a massive theme restaurant called Vatican City, where patrons can get the opportunity to see handprints of the saints set into cement above the bar, actual holy relics encased in lucite at their tables, and to order plenary indulgences straight off the menu.

"Oh this is huge," Bush reflected. "Me and Laura are gonna cut the ribbon on Vatican and I'll tell you this, I'm gonna be first in line to get one of them Forgive Me Father For I Have Farted t-shirts."

Mr Ping's office said it was setting up a "core group" of 30 member countries, including the US, to begin talks on Monday in an effort to reach agreement on the Vatican documents before the leaders of more than 170 countries begin arriving in Washington on October 21 to discuss the color scheme for the Holy Rollers Casino and Gentleman's Club.

Mr Bolton suggested: "It's a question of those damned Papists just getting their act together. Instructions from Washington will be forthcoming and they had best take note."

He said the scale and range of the US comments represented the administration's commitment to the future of the Vatican.

They were taking the process "very seriously, and we're not apologizing for it", he said. "We are treating every step as thoroughly as possible and we expect a lot to come out of this process."

In a letter to his fellow ambassadors, Mr Bolton was quoted as urging quick action on the American proposals.

"Time is short. In order to maximise our chances of success, I suggest we begin the negotiations immediately - this week if possible," he wrote.

Cardinal Paolo Frusciante said ferment over the draft statement was a telling sign. "We actually feel fairly confident that if Bush sends his monkey in here we will send him back with his nuts in his hands. We did it to the Castrati back in the day and we'll do it again. At least Mr. Bolton will be able to hit a high C." said the cardinal. "There is stepped-up activity everywhere, and very serious high-level knife sharpening. And if he makes one more crack about the (Vatican) Guard's outfit, we'll glue one of those to him before sending him back as well."

Mr Bolton has said the US would be ready to scrap the deal altogether if "Bush chickens out. But I think Condy's going to hold his feet to the fire on this one."

"As you get closer to crunch time, I think you'll see the Vatican blink. No one wants to leave the status quo intact at the risk of pissing off Uncle Sam."

And if the installation of Bolton as Pope is indeed successful, Uncle Sam might be trading in his top hat for a Papal zucchetto and the eighth German to become Pope, who speaks 10 languages and is said to be an accomplished pianist with a preference for Beethoven may soon be having to memorize the appetizer menu and to take requests for Freebird at The Vatican City piano bar.

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