The Memphis Tattler - Your Fake News Headquarters

Its Destination: Unknown.....Its Mission: Classified.....Coolness factor: 100%.

"TOP SECRECY"

Clever Canadian propaganda reminds patriots to be wary of accidentally disclosing classified information. One never knows when a sneaky American may be listening, so Canadians, keep those top secretdocuments to yourselves! In the event that an American, (or foolish world power allied with the US) might obtain important Canadian information, please contact your branch of the RCMP, CSIS, or CODCO and rat out the Evil Fiend.

"KIEFER IN THE GAME"

Canadian Kiefer Sutherland abandons his acting aspirations and joins the campaign for Canadian domination as Director Of Approved Canadian Media. He heads a commission dedicated to the eradication of all things sucky -- an extensive list including Country Music, American sitcoms and children under the age of 5. Director Sutherland now turns his attention towards the building of a media empire dominated exclusively by Canadians.

"CANADARM GOES LETHAL"

The Canadarm, once a scientific tool for space exploration, has now been utilized for more military applications. Its mission now to take over the world, the Canadarm has been brought down to earth and is currently being outfitted with programming destined to make it a most deadly offensive weapon. The arm, reaching out to smack dissidents and other undesirables, will patrol the Canadian border, looking for trouble and putting it down with a swing of its mechanized limb. Note: This new improved Canadarm will be equipped with wheels, and a nice wicker basket in the front for easy storage of ammo.

"ALEX TREBEK, LORD OF DESTRUCTION"

Famous Canadian game show host Alex Trebek joins the World Domination campaign as head of the Canadian Intelligence Centre. In his role as enforcer of a police state, Alex will be working towards a world in which no conversation goes unheard, no anti-government protest goes un-put-down-with-force, no rioter is not bludgeoned and no American has a shot at Final Jeopardy. Beneath his gruff and tough exterior beats a heart of gold -- Alex is always happy to take time to explain his job to local schoolchildren. "I'm like your Big Brother," Alex explains, "I see everything and know all. Now, who would like a maple leaf pin? Please ignore the microchip on the back...good little Canucks!"

"LACROSSE --- SPORT OF CHAMPIONS"

As in the picture above, the official Canadian sport of lacrosse will rapidly become the world's favourite past-time under upcoming Canuck rule. Expect much destruction of non-Canadian-related sports equipment, and the rise of hockey stick stocks as companies throughout the world rush to put Canadian-friendly recreational products on store shelves. Besides lacrosse, hockey and basketball, other "permitted" pastimes will include snowmobiling, dog-sledding, ice skating, ice fishing, speed skating, rowing and anything with Donovan Bailey in it. Naturally, in the event of a competition, the Canadian automatically wins. In the event that more than one Canadian is in the same event, the outcome will be considered a tie.

NATIONAL LOCAL YOUR FAKE NEWS HEADQUARTERS 27 OCTOBER 2005

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TOY TRUNK RAILROAD by Erik Sansom

BLOOP by Steve Conley

+The Memphis Tattler® is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

SNAPSHOTS by Jason Love

(no – I am not being ironic yet) Before you stop reading, let me counter that by suggesting what I see as the greatest fault of our modern society. A self absorbed US-centric attitude? A destructive ill conceived foreign policy that is destroying our reputation across the globe? No, neither of these. In my opinion the greatest tragedy is the lack of widespread irony in our daily lives and conversations. So what is irony? Let me start by explaining the concept, so that at least my fellow Americans can understand the idea even if they do not get it.

Let me start by saying that ‘I am an American’ Ok, there I have admitted it. But let me go on to make myself slightly more unpopular by suggesting that our American society does present us with a range of valuable and positive aspects

Do Americans Really Understand Irony?

By Michael Watson

Canada Prepares For War

TORONTO, CANADA- Advance intelligence from unnamed Pentagon sources confirms rumors of an imminent Canadian invasion. In the public interest, The Tattler International Bureau submits it's latest round of strategies reportedly to be employed by "those northern commies," according to Sen. Tom DeLay.

Experimental military aircraft, labelled "Boatplane", prepares to take off from Lake Ontario. A design unknown to humankind until the late 1990s, "Boatplane" combines two of the most mobile military vehicles available ...the boat...and the plane. "Boatplane" will eventually be tested in rougher waters, and is expected to shock the world with its "fly and float" technology.

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