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LET'S BE HONEST: When you hear the word "Cheerleaders" you don't immediately think, Pious Servants of Our Lord Jesus Christ, King of All Heaven, Who Died On the Cross for Our Heinous Sins and Blah, Blah, Blah. In fact—assuming you managed to survive all four years of the popularity-fueled hell that is public high school—chances are your general opinion of America's pompom-wielding populace isn't even remotely virtuous or flattering. But rejoice, brothers and sisters, for at least one nonprofit organization is doing its evangelical best to alter our collective opinion on this disputatious issue: Meet the Christian Cheerleaders of America, based in Winston-Salem, North Carolina and currently active in more than thirty-three states nationwide.

"Christian cheerleaders are skilled athletes and should never take a back seat to anyone else in their excellence, 'for ye serve the Lord Christ,'" the CCA declares in its publicly available mission statement, adding with much capitalization that, "As with everything in the Christian life, GOD'S WORD & THE LEADERSHIP OF HIS HOLY SPIRIT are the guiding principles we live by. CHEERLEADING IS NO EXCEPTION."

Indeed, the CCA is fully dedicated to spreading both the gospel and the latest pep rally standards, simultaneously striving "to teach 'state of the art' cheerleading techniques and methods," "to recognize cheerleaders as the athletes they are, and the coaches who train them as such," and "to reward and recognize outstanding achievers both individually and as squads in the area of Christian cheerleading." These objectives are met by means of national competitions, annual summer camps and acclaimed self-published books such as God Speaks to Cheerleaders: 100 Devotions for Christian Cheerleaders and Coaches; A Cheerleader for Life: The True Story of a Brave Young Girl, Her Family, and Their Triumph Through the Power of Faith, Hope, and Love; and Cheering for Eternity: 100 More Devotions for Christian Cheerleaders and Coaches.

"We believe in the verbal inspiration and authority of the Scriptures, the 100% inerrancy; that the Bible reveals God, the fall of man, the way of salvation and God's plan and purpose for the ages," the CCA proclaims. "We believe that men are justified by faith alone and are made righteous before God only through the merits of our Lord Jesus Christ, through His shed blood as the propitiation for our sin. … Justification is an eternal relationship and can never be broken."

To further elaborate on these unintelligible rants, this reporter recently took it upon himself to telephone the Winston-Salem office of CCA President Rose Clevenger, who graciously conceded to a half-hour interview. To wit:

MB: So Rose, what exactly is the Christian Cheerleaders of America?

Rose: We are a national organization. We travel all over the country—last year we traveled 85,000 miles—and we have camps for our target audience, which are basically Christian schools. We are a ministry in that we have morning devotions at camp, which are calm and help spread the gospel. And then we do cheerleading.

MB: And what sets the girls in the CCA apart from cheerleaders who attend public high schools?

Rose: We dress more modestly and are careful with our choice of music. We're conservative with music, and are careful not to play any heavy metal 'rock' music.

MB: You dress more modestly?

Rose: Yes.

MB: So the skirts aren't quite as short?

Rose: Right.

MB: They're like, knee-level instead of mid-thigh or what?

Rose: No.

MB: By the way, how does Jesus tie into cheerleading again?

Rose: We believe Jesus is a part of everything in our lives. We use cheerleading as a vehicle to help the cheerleaders grow in their relationship with the Lord.

MB: Right. So basically what you're saying is that Jesus has nothing to do with cheerleading.

Rose: He has something to do with everything. … I don't think Jesus was a cheerleader.

MB: I'll quote you on that.

Rose: We give kids something to cheer about: You can be a Christian!

MB: Are cheerleaders of other faiths allowed to join the CCA? For example: Jewish cheerleaders?

Rose: They can come.

MB: Atheist cheerleaders?

Rose: They can choose to come. I wouldn't imagine an atheist would choose to come to a Christian Cheerleaders of America Cheer Camp, but they would be welcome.

MB: Satan-worshiping cheerleaders?

Rose: They wouldn't even ask. That's not an issue.

MB: I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Rose: (deadly serious) They would not be welcome.

MB: So in high schools across the country, there's kind of this stereotype of the cheerleader as… as… Uh, I don't know how to put this correctly…

Rose: A promiscuous, popularity-crazed sex symbol.

MB: Right; a promiscuous, licentious sexual sex symbol. Do you feel the Christian Cheerleaders of America is combating this stereotype?

Rose: Yes, and of course that is a totally incorrect stereotype anyway.

MB: I don't know… I've met some pretty sex symbol-like cheerleaders in my day.

Rose: That's unfortunate.

MB: Would you ever, like, consider taking one of the girls' pompoms and painting it green, and then setting it on fire so it would be like the Burning Bush or something?

Rose: No. We're not extremists.

MB: But that would be hilarious, wouldn't it?

(Apparently, Rose believes she is too good to answer this question.)

MB: Okay, whatever. And you're the biggest Christian cheerleading organization in the world, right?

Rose: There are some other Christian organizations… I don't know if it's ever been measured.

________________________________________

TURNS OUT THAT ROSE HAS NO IDEA what she's talking about: After countless weeks of meticulous research, I discover that the world's largest Christian cheerleading association is in fact based out of Lawrenceville, Georgia and named—rest assured this is the honest truth—the Fellowship of Christian Cheerleaders. Needless to say, I waste no time in calling up Fellowship President Cary Coleman and introducing myself as a teenage journalist working on an article about the positive influence of Christianity on cheerleaders nationwide.

"So the Fellowship of Christian Cheerleaders is the largest Christian cheerleading organization in the world?" I ask.

"Right," Coleman says. "We have six thousand kids up at our summer program. … We're fairly small compared to other non-religious cheerleading organizations."

"And just how the hell can you associate Jesus with cheerleading?"

"It's no different than any other sport. You get talent as a gift and you learn to use your powers to represent Christ."

"Could more cheerleaders use the morals only religion can bring?"

"Oh yeah. I think cheerleaders, whether they want to be or not, are role models at their school. When they take that position as a cheerleader, they're popular and they're leaders. … Cheerleading is a character-builder, and there's a lot of positive things you can learn from athletics. Anytime you get students involved in anything extracurricular, that's meaningful. You get them off the streets. As for faith, I think you have to walk the walk; which means you have to—"

Of course, it's at this point in the conversation that I realize I'm bored out of my goddamn mind and thus opt to rudely hang up on Mr. Coleman mid-sentence. I mean, fuck walking, you know?

________________________________________

THEN AGAIN, FIRSTHAND OBSERVATION always beats third-party exposition, and so two days after my failed interview with Coleman I take it upon myself to attend a pre-game practice of the Anchorage _____ Christian School's cheerleading squad. Incidentally, _____ Christian—name veiled here at the insistence of several experienced lawyers and editors—is a private religious junior high and high school boasting nearly five hundred students and one mighty impressive athletics department. Mary Lou Ward, veteran coach of the _____ Christian cheerleading squad, speaks with me for a few minutes before today's practice:

MB: How do you feel _____'s cheerleaders are different than normal cheerleaders?

Mary Lou: We're the same, really, but we have to watch the music. We're a Christian school … so we don't do a lot of "hey baby" lyrics that wouldn't go along with our philosophy here. We do a lot without words.

MB: So there's really not much of a difference between normal cheerleading and Christian cheerleading?

Mary Lou: Not too much other than some of the movements when they're out on the floor.

MB: Could you be more specific?

Mary Lou: We don't do a lot of the hip movements.

MB: The wiggling.

Mary Lou: Yeah, the wiggling hip movements.

MB: The Bump and the Grind.

Mary Lou: Yeah, there you go.

MB: How do you think cheerleading helps girls develop confidence and morals and whatever else cheerleading is supposed to help girls develop?

Mary Lou: The one thing I've noticed just this year is communication skills. They're getting their point across to the other seven or eight team members; and showing up, being on time. It's not a sport where the coach can just bench the one that's not pulling her weight; once you're on a cheerleading squad, you've got to be there and do your part.

MB: Does the Christianity aspect tie into the cheerleading at all?

Mary Lou: There are good kids everywhere, and I'm not saying that at Christian school the kids are any better, but I personally can see how their faith in Jesus Christ really helps them temper their bad moods, get along with each other, be peacemakers.

MB: Are there any cheers for the religion itself? Like, I don't know, "Stop Abortion Now, Yaaaaaay!"

Mary Lou: Oh no.

MB: Now, cheerleaders kind of have a bad reputation in high school…

Mary Lou: They are so aware of the cheerleading stereotype. Like, "How does my hair look?"

MB: And "Where's the mattress?"

Mary Lou: Yeah, and the morals. They hate that. We have tried to be more of an athletic team. We want it to be more of a sport. ... They're a bunch of really good, moral girls.

It's at this point in the conversation that Mary Lou leads me to the squad's practice room, where five teenage girls are presently jumping up and down in black gym clothes, all shouting out cheers of the general "rah, rah, rah" variety and thrusting fluffy white pompoms in every direction. Mary Lou introduces me as a reporter for The Anchorage Daily News, and the girls—whose names are Lindsey, Kelly, Jenny, Taylor and Lindsey (there are two Lindseys)—appear to be thrilled that a real-life newspaper reporter is doing a story on little ol' them.

"So how are you girls blowing the cheerleading stereotype out of the water?" I ask, with added emphasis on "blowing."

"We don't do it just to show off," Kelly says.

"I think cheerleading is just, like, a biblical thing," Lindsey predicates. "Because it's, like, 'encourage your brother' and all that kind of stuff—cheering them on so they can do their best. You're supposed to support your brothers and sisters and Christ."

"You're on Jesus' team," I jest.

"Yeah!" she replies.

"How do you feel about the stereotype of cheerleaders being a giant race of bimbos?"

"A lot of times you are in those short skirts and the little briefs and stuff and you're out there kicking," she says. "And if that's what your focus is… Yeah, you can get attention from that. It all depends what your motives are, and I think that kind of reflects when you're out there cheering. And the crowd, I don't think, I don't know, you're just not doing your job when you do that."

"So your skirts aren't longer than the normal schools', are they?"

"No…"

"Because I spoke with a woman at the Christian Cheerleaders of America who said their cheerleaders wear the skirts down to their knees."

"I know some schools do that," Kelly says. "But I think that's almost, kind of, I don't know… Yeah, that's, like, separating us. Like, because, yeah, I mean, there's nothing wrong, I mean, with that. You know, I mean, you can go to a swim meet and all that kind of stuff and they're in bathing suits, and I don't think it's that big of a deal."

"We don't do the moves that are suggestive," Mary Lou adds.

"Yeah, we don't do those," Kelly reiterates.

"Our uniforms are modest," Mary Lou continues. "We ordered ours to be made one inch longer than what's in the typical catalog. But they're still plenty short."

"So why do you girls cheer in the first place?" I ask.

"It's fun when everyone is yelling along with you," Taylor says. "And the, like, the teams are just, 'Woooooouuuuheeeee.' It's just really cool, and they like it. That's why they come."

"Would you still cheer if you didn't go to _____ Christian, or is the Jesus aspect what attracts you to it?"

"It depends on the other girls', like, attitude towards it," Lindsey says.

"So if they were atheists and agnostics and Wiccans and Satanists and whatever, you wouldn't go for that?"

"If they were, like, forcing that on me, I sure wouldn't."

(Long moment of silence.)

"Are you a Christian?" Mary Lou asks me.

"No," I say. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she replies with a warm smile. "Don't feel bad about it."

________________________________________

BUT ALAS, MARY LOU, I can't bring myself to feel bad about anything now that I know the Christian Cheerleaders of America, the Fellowship of Christian Cheerleaders and Lindsey, Kelly, Jenny, Taylor and Lindsey #2 of the _____ Christian cheerleading squad are all out there every single day doing their jolly best to help spread the Word of Christ with the perfect cheer. Perhaps Karl Marx had a point when he famously said, "Religion is the opiate of the masses," but as long as those masses are sufficiently filled with pep and school spirit, this reporter for one doesn't mind in the least.