GERMANTOWN, TN-- The scenario predicted by Nostradamus has apparantly come to pass. The warning stated, "in the year of the Guzzler, amidst the mid-south region of the northern continent, roaring beasts shall roam the land. And lo, their volume will shall be worthy of moving the Earth."
And now, according to Dr. Long Li of Los Alamos and UC Santa Cruz, the modern interpretation of that ancient warning can be blamed directly on the sheer quantities of SUV's in Germantown which has the highest per capita SUV ratio on Earth.
"We have been attempting to triangulate the source of this gravitational disturbance for years and finally have made a breakthrough after sending our top field research team to Memphis," Li said.
"These are the top minds in the field of Gravimetric Dynamics with the most accurate measuring devices available. Needless to say, they hardly needed such finely tuned devices once they set took gravity readings in Germantown, Tennessee because they were off the charts."
Dr. Li was visibly upset from the results and had to be taken to Denver General after collapsing. He was listed in stable but guarded condition but able to continue his interview.
"I tried calling a press conference but no seems to give a shit," he breathed through his oxygen mask.
When asked why people should care, after all, Dr. Li suffered a myocardial infarction and had to undergo a double bypass. After recovering again, he was finally able to answer the question.
"Listen to me you idiot," he wheezed, "this could signal the collapse of the Earth's magnetic field."
After not getting a reaction from the Memphis Tattler science reporter, Li continued. "That's bad."
Li's theory which was developed with his colleague, Peter Roberts, Los Alamos and UC Santa Cruz, used thousands of hours of supercomputer time to simulate hundreds of thousands of years of geomagnetic activity in the core collapsing over the space of the next five to ten years.
"Hey, if no one cares about the Earth plummeting into the sun after total chaos breaks out because of these gas guzzlers in Germantown...so be it." At which point The Memphis Tattler crew became bored and wondered off to catch the latest Lindsey Lohan which always has a happy ending.
